I’ve been up.
I’ve been up all night for a couple days now. I’ve been trying to figure out why you can’t just make up your mind. I just can’t figure it out. You avoid the questions and you send out the most unreadable hints. I’m getting impatient. I’m slowly losing self control and I don’t know how to get more. You are beginning to drive me insane and I can’t tell if you’re doing it purposefully or not.
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I like almost everything about me these days.
Except for that fact that I always look back. I always turn around and think about the past.
However, just a little while ago, I was texting this guy I’ve developed a thing for and I sent this text about how I feel driving past an intersection where I was in an accident. Right after I sent it for some reason the first thing I thought of was “I’m fucking amazing.”
I have no idea why. But then I started thinking. Pretty much all of my ex boyfriends have hurt me in some way. Be it intentional or not, though more often it was intentional.
My first boyfriend was in the 8th grade and was constant mental torture. I won’t even bother to explain.
My second was in 10th grade. He always made me feel so odd about myself. Like the things I said didn’t make sense. Like I was a child or an idiot.
My third was a little more obviously harmful. I dated him for about a year and he tore at my self-esteem. He took my virginity and the first time he ever saw me naked he tells me that he expected I would look so much better. I didn’t think anything of it until later that night. He constantly compared me to his ex girlfriends (They were lovely girls by the way. Pretty in a much more obvious way than I.) He would always tell me that compared to them I wasn’t beautiful but I was okay. He just, never let me feel good about myself.
Then, were my third and fourth boyfriends. Both very nice boys who hurt me by accident. Neither of which even realized it probably.
My most current boyfriend was a bit more…physical. And I never thought anything of it until after I had broken up with him and gain three broken ribs. All through the relationship were elbows to the face and jabs to the stomach and bruises I couldn’t explain.
When I finally broke up with him it was because of he broke my ribs after I got an abortion. He was angry I guess and he had a black out moment where he just couldn’t control himself. Now I have spent so long thinking I deserve guys like that. That I’m not worth anything, and that everything that happens to me is my own fault.
One guy changed that whole mindset in five minutes. This is someone I have never considered in a romantic fashion. I mean he is hot don’t get me wrong but I would never think of him as a potentional boyfriend or anything. He’ll never know that two short sentences on a random summer night would have the effect on my life that they did. But if I thought it would matter I would thank him. Because all he said to me was that I date losers, people who don’t deserve me and that I could do so much better because I’m so pretty and cool. I need someone to appreciate me for who I am.
Five minutes and two text messages. He changed my mind the one no one else could for someone reason. This random guy just out of the blue.
I do still hate myself sometimes but most of the time I think I’m this fantastic person.
Call me overly confident but I like how it feels so much better than self-loathing. I like that off the top of my head I can list so many things about me that I like.
I have so many more stories but for tonight I think this is enough. Read it or don’t read it. It doesn’t matter as long as you read and comprehend these words:
You are amazing. If you remember to let yourself be. And if someone tells you that you are. Don’t deny it. Because they are seeing you through unbiast eyes. And smile. It’s good for your heart. :)
This blog has been created for the purpose of reminding people of how amazing they are.
Anyone can submit things. Preferably things you like about yourself or someone else. Nice things.
But you can submit things you don’t like about yourself as well, on anon. Kind of like a venting space is what I intend this to be I suppose.
The most important thing about this blog is that it is a judgement free place. You can say whatever you want here and I will always listen and if you’d like advice I’ll give it. If you’d like your post kept private I’ll keep it that way.
When/if you submit or ask just say whatever you have to get off your chest (and don’t ever feel embarassed) and specify weather you’d like it public or private. Or just drop by the ask box and throw it on anon. Your choice.
I am going to start this blog off right now. Because frankly, I have a lot to say.
